Emergency!

I listen to a lot of foreign-language music. I don't know what any of the songs mean, and have been surprised several times when I look up translations of the lyrics. A hard rockin' song with aggressive guitars usually turns out to be a sensitive song about love and loss, when one is listening to music in a different language.

Thusly, I am embarking on an epic quest to learn several new languages, so I can enjoy these songs more fully. Thank you, Dr. Pimsleur, for your easy-to-use language aquisition system! I'm soon to embark upon the Quest for Nihongo. Just have to learn French first...

A Series of Tubes

So, I'm reading a review for a random, unnamed game, and it's mentioned that "online capability" would have made the game much better. You know, "good game, but online multiplayer should have been included" kind of argument. I'm sure you've seen this before. And it's a valid point, sometimes. If you like to go to World War II Germany and kill a bunch of Nazis, as I sometimes do, why not pair up with Tommy from Yorkshire?

However, this is where I take issue.

I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY ONLINE AGAINST TOMMY FROM YORKSHIRE TO SEE WHO CAN PREPARE A BETTER SALAD, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. THIS IS RETARDED OF YOU TO SAY.

Besides, I don't play online anymore. I used to, and it was sometimes fun, even. I liked always having my defense up first in Starcraft, and being able to hold off the first inevitable Zergling Rush. I always got schooled by the inevitable EveryZergUnitPossible Rush, but that's the way she goes.

Now, though, I like the immediacy of playing against a couple of guys in the room with me. After many nights spent playing fighting games with DDR mats and Mario Partying until the break of dawn, I've grown accustomed to playing multiplayer games with my friends on the couch. It's just more fun than staring at a screen alone, having fun over the internet.


(I'm astounded. I wrote this post a week ago, and Blogger actually saved a draft SOMEWHERE, only to not tell me until just now.)

Thanks!

Thank you, Star Fox: Assault. You're a fun game, and I do enjoy playing you. The mix of infantry, armored corps, and aerial gameplay is seamless and absolutely the most fun I've had lately with a new game. (I know it's old, but it's new to me, so fuck off.)

However. I would appreciate some way of understanding where things are. The radar is not always helpful. Rogue Squadron II had the radar show the elevation of enemies, which let me know exactly where I needed to go. Your radar is, how shall I put it... fucking retarded?

Also, the Landmaster is absolutely no good to help my allies when they're being chased in their Arwings. It just fires too goddamn slow, so I keep losing that dumb bitch Fox married. Maybe you shoulda stayed in the kitchen, Krystal, instead of deciding to be an inept fighter pilot.

Other than that, I love you, Star Fox: Assault. I just wish I could choose to play as Falco in the single-player campaign if I wanted.

Colonel!

My cellphone is a Motorola V300. One of the built-in ringtones amuses me. I hear many people using this same ringtone on their own phones, and given how I myself used it, I have to wonder.

How many of those people imagine that THEY are Solid Snake, receiving an incoming Codec call from Mei Ling, saucily dispensing Chinese sayings?

I know I did.

Kefka

I had a nice long post about playing Final Fantasy VI, but Blogger decided to be shitty as fuck and delete it right out of my edit-window while trying to save. Thanks, Blogger!

Anyway. Let's try this again.

I'm playing Final Fantasy VI now, as well. If you've played it before, you will understand my hatred of fighting Kefka in the mines at Narshe. There's no warning that he's coming, and essentially no way to grind ahead of time once you realize he's showing up.

I don't mind grinding. If the game has a fun combat system, grinding can be the best part. It's even better when the game you're playing has a recognizable dungeon stucture, so you can prepare for the boss battles by grinding the whole level over and over again. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't really see this boss battle coming.

You go into the mines to find the Esper from the start of the game. While you're in there, expecting that your boss battle will be with the powerful magical being, Kefka shows up with twelve squadrons of men, who you proceed to fight. Obviously, you can opt to not fight all of his goons, but I always do. When you get to Kefka, however, he's a monstrosity with over 3000HP. He slays your little sub-group, presumably by casting Ice 2 every second round, and his health resets.

This means, obviously, that if you didn't structure your groups properly at the beginning of this battle, Kefka takes his massive, uncircumsized cock, and shoves it roughly into your ass, repeatedly, until you die of massive internal bleeding. I could have set my teams up the way GameFAQs suggests. One group containing the swordsman Bastin, the renegade General Juka, King Colt's brother Morse, and irritatingly flimsy protagonist Terra. The other, presumably, containing King Colt, Momo the wildling boy, and John Locke the incompetant thief. This sounds great, until you realize one group has both healers, all the powerhouse characters, and the magical lightning rod. So your other group gets to spend all its time using potions in between rounds of mediocre damage. That's wonderful! Just how I want to spend a battle; constantly healing.

Speaking of healing. You're tasked in this same level to protect some guy. Mannon or Mandon or Bandon or something like that. When he was in your party, he could heal awesomely. One move and he'd give everyone an extra 200HP. But now, all he can do is tell you to keep people away from him. How about you heal my parties, you fucker? That'll keep the badguys away from you.

Les Enfants Terrible

I'm playing through MGS: The Twin Snakes again. Every time I run into a boss encounter, I pull up short.

I know what's coming. I know I can beat them. However, I still have this nearly paralyzing distaste of fighting tanks and helicopters and stupid bitches I can't see hiding in a tower somewhere.

Fuck you, Sniper Wolf. Fuck you to death. Snake Eater did the sniper battle so much better than this, it's actually painful to play this one again.

Looking forward to fighting Vulcan Raven again, though. I seem to recall he was fun, if just a tad terrifying.